12.4.2011. So these last few months have been complicated ones here at TLSOB. I've been working on a collection of poems, which has made me reticent about poem posts. And I've done a p*ss poor job of looking for contributions. But the host of Rumour Mill has reminded me that she, like some others, still checks me out. Plus, I'm doing a poetry reading and exhibit entitled five run by the amazing Stephanie Cole in honor of her daughter Madeline's fifth birthday coming up in just under a month. So, anyway, in addition to the ever promised collection, I've been taking my first official poetry workshop with former poet laureate of Maryland, Michael Collier. (Along with some other, most amazing poets.) So the work has been pouring out there and not so much here. But when the semester ends, there will be a sudden influx of poems, I'm sure. So... all that to say, I'm here.
7.5.2011. Posted "Claudia" the other day, which is a poem I've worked on a very little bit. But it needed to be written. Not so sure it needed to be posted. (I hope it doesn't hurt anyone. Not as if many people are pouring over this blog at this point.) But maybe I did need to post it. It's an elegy to my childhood "second family." And more relevant than it seems at first glance. I loved Claudia and her daughter, Lauren. They utterly flood my childhood memory. Before I knew that love could slip away. And now, when I spend hours imagining my own lost child, I know how Claudia must have felt knowing I was there one day, gone the next. And how she must have grieved her losses all over again, and what they meant for her own daughter, Lauren. Who I loved just as much as I've ever loved anything.
6.28.2011. Well, hello. The first step is saying hello. The second step is saying I'm sorry. For letting things get so out of date. Posting one apocalyptic poem in four months. Well, that's just unkind. I just posted yet another sad one. So sorry. I took a long poem class. So, I've been writing these long beasts lately. Not exactly the kind of snippet you can post daily. Either way. I'm still here. And shocked to see that other people are here too. Must forgive me. Promise to pay.
12.3.2010. Not daily. Not daily at all. I saw a colleague today. Eek, I do not really use that word ever. And this person is a "real" poet. So, that's really kind of me to me, but this is my blog. And he's the kind of person that makes me feel like I could be a poet, or maybe even that I am a poet. So, I'll say it. Colleague. Anyway, we were talking about writing. And about how we work best. And we came to the conclusion that the more we write, the more we think in poetic lines. So, then I came back here to my desk. I wrote a little snippet of newsy-stuff. And then starting to log into facebook. "I don't have any momentum. I can't write now." Yikes, that's the scary way people (like me) don't ever write anything. So, I'll stretch the old fingers a bit now, for last month's sake. And then I will get back on the horse officially when I've finished my intense load of seminar paper-writing.
11.22.2010. Well, holy Me Daily lapse. I am not sure how to account for it. I've been throwing myself into a bunch of things without any thoughts to the consequences. I cut off a foot of my hair and now have a pixie cut. I started eating cheese after 14 years. I (Bill) ripped down a major wall in our house, which snowballed into a major renovation. And I've been entertaining many other much crazier notions. Oh, and all this at the end of the hardest semester of my academic life. It's all fun and I've been remarkably unstressed. Thank. You. Buspar. But, anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading "40 and ok" sent by Paula Scherer Price. She is a wonderful friend (wife to another friend!), and although I had to miss her birthday, it totally goes along with her confidence and grace that she'd enjoy and celebrate the way she did. Happy Birthday, Paula!
11.9.2010. Wow. I sure have let a lot of time go by. As I've mentioned every place I can type, the IMAGO project, my made up brain child (hm, telling language?), really wore me out. There is something about trying to make something each day that does justice to the life you'll never do enough to recall. But, today I started a poem call "Death is No Thing Where You’re Not". It is something I've been trying to get at for a while. Now, over a week into year five (which still makes me gasp and feel ancient), I am finally stumbling upon a place for Sophie in my life. And it's not about anything I can do. Or that anyone else can do. That finally makes sense. She's about what is. And so that poem was inspired by my sister's thoughts. She really gave voice to some of my thoughts (we are kindred spirits like that). So I want to thank her. That means so much to me. To know that you're following my same trajectory with this process, and I am not alone.
7.5.2011. Posted "Claudia" the other day, which is a poem I've worked on a very little bit. But it needed to be written. Not so sure it needed to be posted. (I hope it doesn't hurt anyone. Not as if many people are pouring over this blog at this point.) But maybe I did need to post it. It's an elegy to my childhood "second family." And more relevant than it seems at first glance. I loved Claudia and her daughter, Lauren. They utterly flood my childhood memory. Before I knew that love could slip away. And now, when I spend hours imagining my own lost child, I know how Claudia must have felt knowing I was there one day, gone the next. And how she must have grieved her losses all over again, and what they meant for her own daughter, Lauren. Who I loved just as much as I've ever loved anything.
6.28.2011. Well, hello. The first step is saying hello. The second step is saying I'm sorry. For letting things get so out of date. Posting one apocalyptic poem in four months. Well, that's just unkind. I just posted yet another sad one. So sorry. I took a long poem class. So, I've been writing these long beasts lately. Not exactly the kind of snippet you can post daily. Either way. I'm still here. And shocked to see that other people are here too. Must forgive me. Promise to pay.
12.3.2010. Not daily. Not daily at all. I saw a colleague today. Eek, I do not really use that word ever. And this person is a "real" poet. So, that's really kind of me to me, but this is my blog. And he's the kind of person that makes me feel like I could be a poet, or maybe even that I am a poet. So, I'll say it. Colleague. Anyway, we were talking about writing. And about how we work best. And we came to the conclusion that the more we write, the more we think in poetic lines. So, then I came back here to my desk. I wrote a little snippet of newsy-stuff. And then starting to log into facebook. "I don't have any momentum. I can't write now." Yikes, that's the scary way people (like me) don't ever write anything. So, I'll stretch the old fingers a bit now, for last month's sake. And then I will get back on the horse officially when I've finished my intense load of seminar paper-writing.
11.22.2010. Well, holy Me Daily lapse. I am not sure how to account for it. I've been throwing myself into a bunch of things without any thoughts to the consequences. I cut off a foot of my hair and now have a pixie cut. I started eating cheese after 14 years. I (Bill) ripped down a major wall in our house, which snowballed into a major renovation. And I've been entertaining many other much crazier notions. Oh, and all this at the end of the hardest semester of my academic life. It's all fun and I've been remarkably unstressed. Thank. You. Buspar. But, anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading "40 and ok" sent by Paula Scherer Price. She is a wonderful friend (wife to another friend!), and although I had to miss her birthday, it totally goes along with her confidence and grace that she'd enjoy and celebrate the way she did. Happy Birthday, Paula!
11.9.2010. Wow. I sure have let a lot of time go by. As I've mentioned every place I can type, the IMAGO project, my made up brain child (hm, telling language?), really wore me out. There is something about trying to make something each day that does justice to the life you'll never do enough to recall. But, today I started a poem call "Death is No Thing Where You’re Not". It is something I've been trying to get at for a while. Now, over a week into year five (which still makes me gasp and feel ancient), I am finally stumbling upon a place for Sophie in my life. And it's not about anything I can do. Or that anyone else can do. That finally makes sense. She's about what is. And so that poem was inspired by my sister's thoughts. She really gave voice to some of my thoughts (we are kindred spirits like that). So I want to thank her. That means so much to me. To know that you're following my same trajectory with this process, and I am not alone.
10.31.2010. This project has all led up to today. And I just threw that last poem straight out from my gut. It isn't my most crafty. Or crafted. It wasn't the most challenging to write. And it certainly isn't lyrical. But, it felt right. My Sophie would be five today. Five. It makes me feel old. And sad. And wise. And it hurts my heart. But, I am feel gloriously lucky to have been able to feel this deeply--what a great gift we humans are endowed with. I feel like the ability love this much is the greatest blessing on earth. Thank you to my three girls, but especially to Sophie on this day.
10.29.2010. Wow, well, this poetry challenge has been a good thing. Because I've had to post as close to daily as possible. But, I'll also admit, it's made me wish for the dailiness of it to end. And, don't get me wrong. Obviously, I love writing poems. But, it is absolutely exhausting to try and post something worth your time each day. I mean, not all of these are stars I will hitch my wagon to, but some of them have really taken a lot of time and energy, and that is both invigorating and tiring. With everything else, an hour of poetry a day is kind of the last straw sometimes. But, when I get into it, you know, what can you do. :o)
10.27.2010. Hello Israel! And all. I just wrote a poem for my aunt, MAC. My mom and I were talking about her last night, and we came up with why she touches our hearts. She is entirely un-self-conscious with her emotions. She is one of the few people that talks to me about Sophie and looks me in the eyes as she does it. She feels honestly and is willing to share that and relate. And she is unashamed to cry, and doesn't tread lightly. And so many times in the last nearly five years I've wanted to yell to people not to tread lightly! I love to talk about my babies. All three of them. And MAC can smile and cry all at once and that means the world to me.
10.26.2010. Hungary, India, Japan, Taiwan. Hello. And to all my friends who read regularly, thank you. I am so sorry I've been off kilter. Things are spiraling a bit out of control. No, that language is too strong. Just things all happening at once. I'm catching up to my note from the weekend finally, so that I can review and post the things I have written on rest stop napkins, in emails, and on my phone. Thanks for understanding. How is everyone out there?
10.21.2010 Malta, Luxembourg, Oman, and Netherlands, I am not ignoring you. I am so glad you're here. Thank you for stopping by. Come again, please. :o) I'm going away this weekend. And with a kaput computer that will make posting a challenge. But I'll do it. Somehow. As always, thank you.
10/20/2010. Hello! Trying to catch up and keep up here. Things seem stacked against it, but I'm doing my best. But, as for non-stacking-wonderful things, today was my sweet buddy Lila Blue's real birthday. Which is funny, because she's more lavender blue than blue-blue. And lavender is a lot more like purple. Which was really fitting today. Because around here we all wore purple to support LGBTQ youth (and in memory of LGBTQ youth lost to suicide). As did Lila Blue, of course. Well, wouldn't this be a good time for a call for poems? Ha. Well, given that I'm the only person posting (ahem), that would be silly, wouldn't it? Not bitter, sarcastic. Actually, despite the lack of posts, we have quite a bit of support. And I'm really happy with and proud of that. Oh and Happy Sweetest Day!
10/16/2010. Well, I seem to have gotten behind in a post. Something about writing at the witching that makes that easy to confuse. But, I have poems to post from the days I missed. Just need to get around to it today. We had a glorious weekend. Now, this week will be a bit bananas. But that's how we like it.
10/13/2010. Good afternoon! I've been holed up with sick sickies for the last few days. We've watched a bagillion hours of movies. So, that's been nice. (Except for now, because we're watching Beauty and the Beast, Enchanted Christmas. That is unbelievably trippy.) Anyway, Jo is on the up and up. But she's notably about 12 hours ahead of Elle in this virus. I know, weird to say. But their fevers peaked one behind the other. Yesterday, Jo was miserable. Today, E is the mess. So, my hope is that by tomorrow we'll be back on track. Who knows. This is some wretched thing. Hope everyone is well. And, I'll just come out with it--any chance any one wants to post something? Ever again. Haha.
10/11/2010. Hello Denmark and Ukraine! It's lovely to meet you. Or something like that. I'm here, feeling rather sick, so your presence made my evening. I've got a pretty intense poem in the works for tomorrow, for when the kids rid themselves of this cruddy fever. :o( I know I'm not getting any outside poems lately. That makes me sad, but I haven't been making enough of an effort. But, I will say that amidst this hard season and all of my existential crises of late, it is wonderful to have this site as a place to put my moments in writing. That's all. As always, thank you.
10/9/2010. Well, this is hardly daily, now is it? I promise to do better. I also forgot to post my poem from yesterday. So, I posted it just now, and I am adding another one for today. So sorry-as you can understand, it's a busy life. But, I'm back in business for the moment. Lots of nature poems today. More than usual I mean. I wonder why. Must be something about this glorious weather that brings me and the animals out simultaneously. As always, thank you.
10/6/2010. Well, I revised my "The Last of the Season" poem. It's both better and worse, I think. Does that make sense?
10/5/2010. Good evening, Moldova. Or is it Good Morning? Thank for visiting. So, we're five days into October. And, I've got to admit, I not doing as well as I'd hoped. It doesn't help (or maybe it does) that I'm actually impossibly busy. But, such is life. I guess? One two crying jags this month so far. I suppose that's not terrible. Although the emptiness is almost worst. Maybe. Anyway, today I wrote a poem about a butterfly I saw clinging to a branch. It's going to need quite a bit of editing. But, it's so late, and I am so unspeakably tired. Good night, world. As always, thank you.
10/2/2010. Hallo! Tag! (That's for you, Germany.) Also, I am majorly feeling poetry lately. Makes sense since I have so much reading for school. But, it will all get done. More later.
10/1/2010. Well, October has begun. This month that makes me remember. And, in this moment, on the first, it is heaven to remember. This year, while I constantly miss what it would be to have my five year old, I can revel in the complexity of the human condition. How glorious is it to be able to miss this completely. I almost feel lucky for Sophie to have given me that gift. Thank you to all of my littel girls for letting me love them. Today, I'll just say I've been reading a lot of loss blogs again. And it surprises me when I hop from blog to blog and my Sophie would be the oldest of the sleeping babies. What a weird thing to experience. She will, would, could've been, five. Five. It breaks my heart. So, this evening, I'll share my older blog. The one from before Eleanor. Less poetic, but so very real. If you're so inclined, look back to 2006-2007. In some ways, http://www.baylyfamily.blogspot.com/ is as much my real heart as this project. As always, thank you.
9/29/2010. Man, Russia is big. Like, huge. Of course I knew that, and that it stretches onto two continents. Big. But, it was really brought to my attention when I saw that we have a Russian visitor! Hello. :o) I out up a blog last night about my IMAGO project. I actually spent much of the evening trying to come up with a name. So, I mostly did some entomological digging on the web. I was looking for something that would capture a moment in the, ahem, lifespan of butterflies. And would be poetic. And that I'd love. So, when I learn that imago is the name for a butterfly that has matured and is emerging from its chrysalis, it just felt right. And it's a rad word. So, that's that. And, I'm realizing that a post on the name of this blog as a whole is in order. That will be an emotional ordeal. Anyway, for now, good night.
9/28/2010. Hello Australia! Well, sort of. I'm not at all in Australia. I'm in rainy, hot Maryland, where it feels like I'm swimming through the air. Well, sort of. Now I'm in my air conditioned office. So, I'll make this brief. I'm working on the details, but I've been planning a way to make it through Sophie's month, and to simultaneously commemorate Infant Loss Remembrance Month and Day (15th). And I want to make it collective. So, that will go up by October 1st, at the latest. Happy Tuesday.
9/27/2010. Well, it's Monday. Contrary to the common feeling about it, I think Monday gets a bad rap. Especially a busy, rainy Monday. Now, I'm starting to wonder if I was being sarcastic. Anyway, really cool things happening here with the project. Check out the resources section for info on the Sweet Pea Project. I've been in touch with its kind, warm, eloquent founder, Stephanie. Author of "Still." That's it for today, aside from my poem from three falls ago (and the silly poem I wrote yesterday for comparison).
9.26.2010. Happy Sunday! It's drizzly here, and cool. It feels like the real first few days of Autumn. I plan to post some early fall pieces this week. Today maybe, on the visceral reaction I have to the chill. Also, we have another powerful Marce Weibel piece up. And her bio coming soon! And a photograph snapped by Charlotte Criss of My Kids Think It's the 80s. (Hilarious, by the way. Check her out.) Charlotte knows my penchants for Fall, Vermont, and poetry, so this picture taken through Robert Frost's bedroom window was particularly wonderful. And lovely. Have a glorious day. As always, thank you.
9.24.2010. Well, sorry for the not-so-daily-ness here. Yesterday was incredibly busy at work Oh, the glory that was my foray into data management. Thank goodness for my boss, who's kind, hilarious, and constructive. Anyway, Marce Weibel is our first poet I don't know--at all. And, I have more from her on backlog now. Thank you, Marce. I am so happy to be hosting your work. And I posted a very scandalous poem about my toddler's buttcrack. Too much? Finally, I'm getting a little obsessed with the events this weekend. Check out local poetics. I planned to attend a talk today at the University by Toni Bowers of UPenn, but alas, unless she wants to host my kids, I won't be able to make it. To all, have a wondeful Friday.
9.22.2010. I just this evening stumbled upon an amazing website. The mission is very much the same as this one, although the focus is almost solely (and reasonably) on mothers' griefs. The author and moderator, Stephanie Cole, sounds like an amazing woman, and a possible kindred spirit of mine. Silly? Maybe. But, she wrote what looks like an amazing book of poetry that you can check out here about the stillbirth of her daughter, Madeline. My heart goes out to a woman I don't know tonight. As always, thank you.
9.21.2010. I am sorry again. This time, I ask your forgiveness for my indecision. I just dealt with my first snafu as moderator of this blog. It's a complicated business posting my own thoughts, as well as those of people I care about. I wanted to make sure that people weren't feeling deserving or undeserving based on comments, because some of our most beautiful writings weren't getting comments and some were. I stand 100% behind my assertions as to why. Stories that relate to tangible experiences seem to elicit comments. And yet those that are more internal are harder to comment on. But I don't want that comparison to ever to seem reductive. I realize that's my own preoccupation and sensitivity. What I will do is continue to enjoy productively commenting on poems, grow up, and still find new ways to foster community. Please forgive me if I ever made anyone feel less (or more). I'm loving this experience and feel privileged to read each of the gorgeous works I've received.
9.21.2010. Well, I am quite sorry for the gap in correspondence. I've been around, sort of. But, of course, things have been going on, on the main page. A new prose piece from my sister-in-law, which broke my heart to read. But, my goodness, it was beautifully sad. And, neither of our recent posters have profiles, but some may be coming soon. Finally, I am planning to disable comments to some degree. Any thoughts can be posted in the comments section. Natch. Oh, and we have a reader in SWEDEN! Välkommen!
9.18.2010. An amazing poem from Mary Cox went up on the site yesterday morning. It's personal, and beautiful, and it hurts to read. And a sweet, short poem went up late last night in honor of red-headed no-longer-baby James (and lovely Durst babies at large). In that vein, I'm now posting one of my own. This one was written about my gorgeous, sassy, smart God-daughter (one of two bestowed upon me by the Crisses) on the day of her baptism. She was the first newborn I held after Sophie was born, and since I sat in the waiting room through Charlotte's c-section and held her first thing the next day, having her in my life has been an unbelievable gift. I say it in my poem, but holding her breathed life back into me in a way I absolutely didn't know was possible.
9.17.2010. Well, so I didn't do so well at the "alive again" poetry. Tomorrow is a new day. In fact, I plan to post two short beautiful poems tomorrow (one of mine and one of Melissa's). Check back then!
Gallaghers, I am honored. And, whoever it is, thank you.
9.17.2010. Good morning! Lots of good things going on here. I think. We have gorgeous poems up on the site and many people emailing me with ideas. I really hope to get some more submissions soon. (I have a few on backlog, but they're from previous posters, and I want to evenly disperse their work, if possible.) Also, I am working on sorting through awareness calendars to make more calls for specific poems. Who knew how many of these awareness days, weeks, and months are going on all around us? Not I. But, I don't want to get this to be too much like conjuring up painful images to inspire people. Any ideas on this?
9.16.2010. Day six of the blog. And I couldn't be happier with the way things are going. Our writers have been so brave to share. Everyone poster has emailed to let me know how freeing it has felt to let their words out into the "world." And I have gotten tremendous feedback (both emotional outpourings and constructive criticism). And to one very important person in my life who keeps her feelings in, I am thinking about you. As always, thank you.
9.15.2010. It's Wednesday--my favorite day of the week! In honor of that, I posted a poem I've been working on, "Bus Shelter," very (extremely totally) loosely based on a conversation with the brilliant Keguro Macharia. (I wanted to provide a link to the one way to capture him, but there is too much--just use the Googles.) And, also, I posted a new event in "Local Poetics"! Additionally, we have a new poet--my good friend, Melissa Durst. I think her trio is haunting and beautiful. Thank you always.
9.14.2010. Hello friends. Three things. 1) I am 95% sure I'll be going to the Terpoets open mic tonight. Wish me luck. 2) Someone is reading TLOB in Western Europe. Sure, it took me a full three minutes to realize it's my own sister, the person genetically closest to me on the whole Earth. But still way cool. 3) I am, ahem, looking forward to posting more of your work. And expanding your ranks. I don't know how to do it, but I'm not allowing discouragement to seep in. And I am no good at marketing. And all that's at stake is me feeling like a fool. But I think this is worth it. I'll stick my neck out for poetry every time.
9.13.2010. More news! Annie is also in town. (And Lisie, Melissa, Carolyn, Charlotte, Lora, etc.--This will my last "shout out." It's getting hard to keep up with, when I consider the great responses I've also been getting privately.) And my creative juices are flowing. But, I must admit, other things are quite pressing right now (including eventually--sleep!), so I am signing off for the night. As always, thank you.
9.13.2010. Big newsflash for all! J is here! That's all. And I am about 80-20 in terms of making an appearance at tomorrow night's open mic. Depends how
9.12.2010. As the day closes today, I feel inspired. While I have many new posts to look forward to, I can't believe the positive responses I've gotten today. Mostly via email and public comments. Thank you, thank you. More posts will come tomorrow, but I want to give the Lock and Gelso pieces their time. As always, thank you.
9.12.2010. A new day! And it's cool and rainy here in Maryland. Glorious. I am really pleased with the support the project has received both on facebook, via email, and here on the blog. And, now we have TWO posts aside from my own! My sister, Marie, officially condoned my posting of her poem and sent me some lovely words of encouragement. And also of course some excellent discussion of gladiator high tops, via gchat. And Karen R. Lock's story went up on the home page in the wee hours of the morning. Both of their profiles are available on the "Author Bios" page. And I've added some new calls for poems. I'm also considering creating a page or sub-page that alerts writers to literary contests seeking submissions. Hmm, maybe I'll do that now.
9.11.2010. Later today, here I am. Again. Amazing how much I've been here. Anyway, I'm writing with a few issues. 1) My September 11th call went unanswered. I totally expected that. Bam. 2) It is absolutely astonishing how many typos I find as the days go on. I mean, so what if I set the blog up at midnight? 3) Some people have looked at the site! That's phenomenal. 4) Any ideas for expanding the resources page? 5) We have a new profile up on the Author page! 6) Someone actually sent a story--it will likely go up later tonight. It is beautiful, complicated, and heart-felt. I can't wait to share it. Thanks for your bravery, Karen.
9.11.2010. Well, here I am. Again. If you're starting to feel awkward for me because no one is sending in their poems, don't. I don't feel awkward and I do know that I'm looking rather pathetic. And, I'm not discouraged. I'm treating this whole thing like a fait accompli. You know what they say about building it, and them coming...you know what I mean. Or not. Either way, I know someday, the submissions will roll in. How do I know? Because this is a good idea. There are lots of us creative, feeling souls out there. I'm sure of it. So, I'm setting the stage, and the writing will surely follow.
Update: I just posted this blog on facebook. Yikes.
9.10.2010. Here I am. Interesting phenomenon, this starting a mass poetic project. You know, minus the mass. And the poems. I put up a prose poem my sister wrote. Beautiful isn't it? I wept all over again reading it. I forget how beautifully she let me know her feelings. I love her. I hope she won't mind. Strike that, I know she won't mind.
So, confirmed. I will steal poems. Of course I'm "joking," as much as I can e-joke--with myself.
Have a glorious night. I plan to.
